When in Hollywood…

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My friend Cecilia lives in Hollywood and I spend a lot of time there. A lot of our pictures are taken in Hollywood and I never cease to be amused by all the loonies there. I actually get quite grossed out by Hollywood lol, well the part where the tourists are and there are strung out Marilyn Monroe’s and Spiderman’s every 5 steps. Ew. I tend to over analyze everything. I am constantly observing everything around me and analyzing the situation. While Cecilia and I were walking the Hollywood strip dodging the homeless, the street performers, the fake celebrities, tourists, break dance groups, etc, my mind was racing. I felt a sense of loneliness, despite being among thousands of people. My first thought and thought I have every time, was “Does this really work for people?”  and then a string of thoughts ensued…”Do people really make a good enough living by putting on these little performances or putting on a dirty batman costume and taking pics with poor 5 year olds who don’t know any better?” “Is it the high in it all?…the attention of feeling like a “somebody” among a city of headliners?” After these questions raced through my mind, one resounding word echoed in my mind…lonliness. Everyone is trying to be a better version of themselves or at least trying to convince everyone else that they are (especially in Hollywood). People want to feel and look important (once again, especially in Hollywood), so people escape from the realities of their lives to drugs, make-believe, fantasy, and whatever the hell else they do in their spare time. It is sad. It is L.A. It is our society. But the journey along the way to wherever they are trying to get to is very lonely. As I looked at the variety of talented and talented-less people, all I could see was the part of themselves that returns home at the end of the night. They most likely return to a small, dark studio, take off all of the ridiculous make up, stare at themselves in the mirror just long enough to reflect back on the person they were before moving to this town, wondering when exactly it was they lost themselves and if it is too late to throw in the towel; But before they entertain these thoughts any longer, they preoccupy their mind with “the dream”; the dream of making it big someday and that if they just wait it out a little longer, all of the struggles, embarrassment, exiles, and loneliness will be well worth it. And if not….well this is their life now. They couldn’t possibly return back to that small town they grew up in. It is better to be among the excitement and wonders of L.A. than anywhere else. I could be totally off and my idea of what kind of lives these people live is totally far-fetched, but I feel I have some sort of empathetic understanding because I can relate. I may not be standing off of Hollywood and Highland  dressed up as a tan skinned Marilyn Monroe, but I did move out to Los Angeles to pursue my dream of working in the fashion industry. It is not any different from the people on Hollywood Blvd or anyone in L.A. for that matter. I find myself getting annoyed by listening to every waiter and retail associate tell me how they are working on a movie, a book, working in fashion, they party with celebrities, blah blah blah. But, that is what this city is all about and even though it annoys me at times, I admire the hustle in everyone. Some people come out here and get wrapped up in the glitz and glam  and the name dropping and end up living a life of perception (looking important without being important), but some people move out here and actually make shit happen and I respect that, it takes discipline. Here I am with a blog among thousands and thousands of other bloggers so I really have no room to talk. However, I do plan to back up my talk. I plan on doing something and not just living a life of perception. It is still so weird for me to stand in front of a camera and take pictures, but I understand that a blog is the best way to represent yourself (especially in the fashion world). I can take this to an employer and say “This is me!” “I picked my outfits, I picked my locations, I picked my style, this is my writing style, this is my personality….this is me!” How cool is that?! When I was 11 years old, I sketched out my own fashion magazine and debuted a new girl on the cover every month with new cover topics as well. It was a magazine that celebrated women. I have always enjoyed writing and find that it is my outlet. The fact that we live in a society now where we can get paid to work in social media and get paid to blog is [pardon my french] fucking awesome!! I am taking advantage of this while I can. I have no idea if my blog will do well, but it is a great outlet and a representation of me; It is mine and that’s good enough reason for me to do it. 

There are days where, like the Hollywood performers, I come home, take my makeup off and stare in the mirror wondering what the hell I am doing. It can all be very lonely. I feel like sometimes I am making my life harder than it needs to be, but then I realize what a stupid notion that is and if I lived my life in my comfort zone, I would forever regret it. I have had this vision for myself since I was little girl and its scary (but totally rad) that I am here pursuing it. I joined the military in hopes of gaining the tuition assistance to attend FIDM in Los Angeles someday and here I am doing it. It is kinda like a higher force is guiding me. Sometimes I don’t even know if I am the one making these decisions. I made them all so irrationally. I joined the Air Force knowing nothing about it except they pay for school. I didn’t even know if I would get accepted into FIDM, or if FIDM was covered under the GI Bill (Thank God [literally] that it was), I had actually started to change my mind on going to FIDM while I was stationed in Oklahoma City. I decided to reenlist, get married, and stay in Oklahoma City. I felt it was the safer route. Then my mom got sick and I had to relocate to California to take care of her. Deep down, I felt this gravitational pull that it  was meant for me to come back to California. Of course, it was 100% about my mother when I returned, but I also found it ironic that as soon as I had let go of the idea of ever going back home or to FIDM, I found myself back home and FIDM was once again on the table. I had desperately wanted to come back the first few years of my enlistment, dragging my feet the whole time to every new state I lived in. I even applied to get out of the military early which they approved, and then I applied to FIDM, and I got accepted, but when it came time to leave the Air Force, I panicked. My mom was up in arms that I was not fulfilling my contract to the Air Force and she was right, I took an oath and I needed to fulfill my end of the deal. The whole back and forth decision about FIDM and the military was exhausting and when it was all said and done, I finally released my hold on California and FIDM and just accepted where I was at. I felt I had a good enough life, I was living the “American Dream”. I had security, something the rest of the nation was desperate over. I was engaged, living in a brand new 3 bedroom house (bigger than my moms), I had a new car, I was pursuing my degree for free, I could retire at 38! I had a promising future, and was excelling exceptionally fast at work. Still though, like clockwork, every single night before I went to bed, I imagined what my life would be like if I took a chance and pursued my dream. The thought would paralyze me with fear. Everything would change. I fought with myself internally for months, sometimes crying myself to sleep or lashing out at my fiance due to feeling resentment towards him. I kinda laugh when I look back at it now because if you care about something that much, you go after it. There is a reason you feel that way, it’s who you are and you are happiest when you stay true to who you are. Ironically enough, when I had to move back to California, I didn’t want to. I had already accepted that FIDM and California was not an option for me and while my mom never supported me leaving the military to work in fashion, right before she passed away, she saw my first blog that  I had created back in 2011 and changed her mind. She genuinely had no idea how passionate I was about fashion and for the first time, supported me leaving the military to pursue my dream. That was all I needed to move forward. I get excited when I imagine my life 5 years from now, because I wonder where I will be and what I will be doing. Following your dreams is such a beautiful thing. It is one of the beautiful rides of life. I encourage everyone to just do it. Don’t let fear paralyze you and dictate your life. Take control.

So…Yeah…..my post had nothing to do with my pictures, but it was on my heart so I figured I would talk about it. Dreams, love, struggles, intuition, dogma, purpose, etc are all topics I can talk about forever. I may only be 24, but I have gone through more things in my life than most people will ever go though. I am an old soul and wise beyond my years. Sometimes I purposely act out because I just wanna be stupid and immature, which I genuinely am sometimes. I still have a lot to learn about this thing called life, but God has also revealed a lot to me about life, starting at a young age. I may be young, but I think I get it….maybe 😉 

Ok, so onto the important stuff….what I’m wearing. 

Headband Urban Outfitters Top Madewell Jeans Madewell Bag Victoria Leather Co (got it in Mammoth, CA), Shoes Zara, Sunglasses Cheap Monday, Necklaces Dogeared Jewelry and Urban Outfitters

I will leave you with one of my favorite quotes from the late Steve Jobs, it’s very fitting: 

“Your time is limited, so don’t waste it living someone else’s life. Don’t be trapped by dogma – which is living with the results of other people’s thinking. Don’t let the noise of other’s opinions drown out your own inner voice. And most important, have the courage to follow your heart and intuition. They somehow already know what you truly want to become. Everything else is secondary.” Steve Jobs

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Feeling Retro

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Being a Gemini, I find my alter ego(s) making an appearance quite often. For the most part, my style is very edgy. I have never felt comfortable in “cutesy” dresses. I am not a huge fan of pink and I don’t care for anything that has too many frills and bows. I do not like to call myself a tomboy, because I am not, but I am not girly in the sense where I spend hours on my hair; I rarely brush it. I have yet to master the art of blowing my hair out. I manage to tangle my hair in the round brush while the blow dryer  blows my whole head of hair and everything on my bathroom sink in the opposite direction; it is really pathetic. Yesterday I accidentally blew dry my hair tie and lip gloss into the bathroom trash. In addition to my sucky vanity skills, I suck at makeup and feel like a drag queen if I am wearing too much (if I am wearing eye shadow, I feel I am wearing too much makeup). I cant wear heels past 4″ and I think my brother could paint my nails better than me. I have all these amazing nail polish colors knowing damn well I cant paint my nails for shit. They look really great as decoration in my bathroom though :). My friend (pictured with me in this post) pointed out to me that I need a manicure, ha. It is a full time job being a girl, sometimes I feel like I cant keep up, but then again I don’t really care 😉

So I just went on that long rant about being a girl just to tell you that in the last couple of days I have been feeling very girly. I even curled my hair! I found myself gravitating toward pastels, skirts, dresses, sparkle, and even pink. Don’t know how long it will last, but it’s been fun. I felt very retro in this polka dot dress, nude lips, and Prada sunnies.  With this look, I did feel the need to give it a little edge by adding studded booties. I originally had flats on, but I felt a little too distant from myself. 

Dress American Eagle Cardigan Zara Booties Deena and Ozzy Sunglasses Prada Bag Stella McCartney

Poshmark

poshmark credit: fastcompany.com

A long time ago, I was bored and searching for fun apps to download and I came across Poshmark. I saw that it had something to do with shopping so I downloaded it. Problem is, I never opened it. Then a little while later, I decided to clean out my iPhone because it looked too “cluttered” (hmm, I wonder why). So there went poor Poshmark, deleted and out of my phone without me even giving it a chance. Thennnn, some while later, I read about Poshmark and how great of an app it is and when I went to go download it, I realized I already had it at one point. Needless to say, I now have it downloaded and check it religiously. I have already purchased more items than I care to admit and am steadily building my closet.

So what is Poshmark? I will let them tell you…

Ever wish you had a style-mate and could shop her closet? Now you can. Poshmark connects you to people whose style you adore, allowing you to shop their closets, anytime you’d like.

Have items in your closet that you love, but just don’t wear anymore? List it for sale on Poshmark in less than 60 seconds. Sell what you have in your closet so you can shop for what you really love today.

With Poshmark, you’ll fall in love with your closet…again.

Ok. The idea is pretty brilliant, right? Shop other people’s closets at discounted prices and sell them yours!

What is even better is that when you list an item in your closet for sale and someone buys it, Poshmark does all of the hard part for you. They instantly send you a shipping label and all you have to do is package that bad boy up and drop it off at a blue USPS mailbox. Once the recipient receives the package, Poshmark delivers the money into your account that you have with them and from there you can transfer the money to your own personal account…or spend it on more clothes. The decision is yours.

And because I feel like I still haven’t said enough about this brilliant company…you can enter your size in jeans, shirts, shoes, etc and search for items based on your size. Personally, I love shopping by brand (THEY HAVE ALL THE BEST BRANDS BTW-Zara, MK, Elizabeth and James, Lululemon, Urban Outfitters, etc) and you can find brand new items (with the tags) for half off.

It’s my new obsession. Check it out. Oh-and feel free to shop my closet, I am adding more items soon 🙂